Friday, October 26, 2012

The glorious season
The boat leaves for a destination unknown
without waiting for the flowers to bloom.
No one will put out the quietly burning flame.
The little ship crossing the seas,
seeks a far away land with all its hope.
My wish is but one,
to entrust my eternal vow to those hands.
Now the sounding of the bell tells me its that time.
My Anemone.

it is not a season of LOVE nor a HATE
im sitting in my domain moreover living peacefully in it
wont let anything unknown passing the zone
with my agreement only then i consider
something touches me inside
the beautiful sound
the beautiful meaning
the beautiful everything
everything for me doesn't mean everything in a whole
but being part of it is a good sign
and listen
i wont simply let it go

plain people don't understand
never my intention to make u understand anyway
then it wont be a secret anymore
i gotta keep as much as i can
so when it is well preserve i will reveal it
keep some portion for yourself
u need to be special
and rare
not like ORDINARY bad
just let the ordinary die

what am i staring at?
what am i wondering about?
what am i doing?
believe me im doing something good
just fine
My Anemone
beautiful as always
something so symbolic
just like u r
i am happy to write this
that i found small portion to be part of my everything
not everything in a whole i repeat
but don't u get it
small pieces of it
means everything to me
again it is all about everything
just u and My Anemone

"good night to you
i'll always do think of you
even when i'm far away
were you wonderful today?
because surely there will be good tomorrow sweet dreams.."

written by secret (3.33 am - 19/4)

won tickets some more.
common as always.
perhaps that's my only LUCK.
2 days ago i went to collect the ticket.
i sneak out from my office.
i gotta feeling this movie wud be worth watching.
asked my sister to go with me.
she tot this movie will be lame.
i said wait till u watch it.
we chose the couple seat.
and it began.

Chasing Mavericks.
first scene of Jay swimming in the deep ocean.
i can feel it.
so beautiful when u r apart of the nature.
and finding out the passion to live through something that can take away ur life anytime.
but that doesn't matter.
what is LIFE if we dun try it.
Jay Moriarity did it.
his life maybe short.
but through his 22 years of living he learnt the meaning of family, friend and his love of life, Kim.
some of the part i did cried.

and Mavericks for me is not just a monster wave.
i found it resembles or a metaphor of something we always been waiting for.
we die trying to meet it but we never know what we've been waiting is something that is so scary.
it will smashed u hard.
tear u apart into pieces.
drown u deep down the blue.
but yet if we overcome the monster we will meet the satisfaction.
the spectators as the everyday people.
they cheer.
they wait.
the watch.
but only u can do it if u focus the aim of the mission.
as the mission succeeded.
picture has been captured.
every moves has been filmed.
Jay Moriarity a sudden hit and the next who was framed on the front cover of the top Surfing magazine.
but never for him to became the Legend.
a Legend is what people called for someone that did something extra ordinary.
yup he was 16 that time.
thats made him a Legend to dance along the monster wave.
what he did that time was to the overcome his Fear.

the Fear of..
Difficult life.
Broken Family.
Confess to someone how much he Love her.
fear of losing his mentor, Frosty.
and the pain he shared with his mentor as Frosty lost his beloved wife.
Jay been through a lot.
that made him a Legend in many aspects.
not only surfing.
perhaps that what make it so different.
between what u do for fun.
and what u do with all of your soul.
how ironic i found the chasing Mavericks for me another story to relate with my situation.
but after all.
there is something that i learn from this movie.
Life aint that easy.
Life can be quite scary.
Life is to live the consequences.
coz someday someone special will sit and tell your story.
of how amazing u used to be.
and be one.

enjoy this.
the perfect song for this movie.

written by only me
secret  (1:52am 26/10/12)

Monday, October 15, 2012

we met when i tot we will never ever meet again.
just to give u the Belated b'day card.
i said nothing much.
a smile on my face.
then the worried came after.
that moment u walk away from my car i knew I've lost you.
like every time i see u.
I've decided to make it final this time.

the conversation with my best friend,F:
i said.i dunno either im stupid or in dilemma.
i dunno wat shud i do.
with u there is always beginning..
no middle..
and never see the end.
it was like u've been in a race but u never reach the destination coz u always go back in the starting line.
how long shud i be drowning in confusion.
coz i will never ever win anything or at least completed the race.
i called this madness.
i am mad maybe.

F said to me:
maybe u r phobia.
maybe u over think.
maybe u shud follow the flow.
think for the shit worst.
so the amount of frustration reduces.

and then came the conversation with another best friend of mine, N:
i am afraid to tell u but i need u to know
dun be mad at me and listen
i did something and im stuck with it
im confused
im in love again but im in pain
how cud this be happening to me?
i dunno how to run away.i cant.
im not me again.
how can i be like this.
help me

N said to me:
in order to seek the reason of something
that is not yet explained.
and moreover when it is regarding a relationship with the other half
one thing u shud clarify.
if god doesn't like how the relationship is going.
it is most probably.
either relationship ended or u being left behind.
coz god wanna save u.
from doing the sin and live forever as a sinner.
always find god.
check your relationship with god.
god delivered him as a test.
if u passed by ignoring then u r strong.
if u failed by entertaining then u r weak.

i think deep
try to clear my mind
i texted him
tell him the truth beyond the truth what I've been keeping to tell him
i am frustrated im not able to change and wont be able to change u
the reason why happiness always been taking away from me becoz i kept doing the bad things
this is between me and my life conflict
perhaps this is the time
we get separated
for good
u with ur way
me with my way
if we are meant for each other
then we will meet sumday
come to me in a good manner
i will accept u
but it we are not meant to be together.
its ok
it is hard me to tell u
i chose to let u go
but i did said
how many time i said i cnt remember
but the truth i am a runaway girl
i am sorry
this is the best way
but remember when im not around
be good
and i will be missing you

after that
i am falling to pieces
one thing i dun tell u
and now i shud be falling to sleep
coz i wish the next day is a bright day for me
to stand again on my feet
and move on
i can do this even it may be hard
but i did it before and i can do it once more
i hope i will..

sincerely written by
secret 15/10/12 (2.02am)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

the clock on the bottom right side of the laptop showed 10 minutes passed 12 so 12.10am already.
i consider it belated.
act so cool act so normal.
like any ordinary day.
your b'day again.
after prayer i suddenly remember.
the near exact same date where the same incident took place.
the difference is on 13 Oct 2012 i ran away again n again.
and almost 2 years ago u walk away from me..
and i wrote this
because u r 21

now u r 23.
Happy Birthday.
Belated i mean.

maybe this time i dun have much to say.
coz my words i said earlier either u remember or not i delivered to u little by little.
things will not happen.
things will not be true.
ur words were all empty.
while my words were all nothing to u.
in ur eyes.
im just NOTHING.
so ur wish granted.
i will be nothing by vanishing.
like my delivered words..little by little..
nothing left.
nothing no more.

never to find me again.
im tired.
never toy me again.
coz i do have feeling.
stop where u are.
leave me here i will take the ride on my own.

once more
Happy 23rd.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

''i choose to be happy.
shine bright like a diamond in the sky''
too much work load to swallow.
but there is always a reason im here.
i went to see my friends.
we shared stories and laugh out loud.
then this story came out.
sad story about her colleague who died year ago.
when she mentioned " sometimes the happiest person we see is the saddest person we never know''.
and ''sometimes we never know when somebody we take for granted will leave forever and that time will be too late"
i stood still.quiet.
nobody noticed but somehow i felt the words she just said been hitting me directly.
so true.but i smile.and continue the conversation.
on the way home that words were still haunting me and her sad story.
when i realized i am driving alone and it had been so many years like this.
i like it this way coz i can drive fast and cry while nobody can hear or see me.
then i did something tonite.i mean just now.
i can lie.yes i can and i did it.
FEAR please leave me.
i dun wanna be defeated in this battle of emotions again n yet always again.
so i set a trap to make the enemy believe im leaving in victory.
so the enemy can set me free and never find me again.
the fact im not leaving and even not with victory.
i stay still in silence of my own way.
better this way.
no intruder, no the same enemy.
seeking the way.
only me.

written by
secret (2:41am 4/10/2012)

Sunday, September 30, 2012

i had a dream..
the beginning sentence everybody try to use and has been used.
well this aint a dream as in the future life or anything u wish to get or be in it.
this is about my weird dream.
that thing that came to u in a middle of the night when u close ur eyes.
sometimes when i think about all the weird dreams i had.
i can compile it and write a book.
and i am the next J.K Rowling.
seriously the dreams were all pretty amazing.
a fantasy.
last nite i dreamt bout went to my friend house.
she sort like organizing a party at her new family bungalow.
i only can remember few faces.
faces that i recognized.
well that was not the interesting part.
the best part when i asked her..
"i heard u have a swimming pool but i seems like don't see it around''
she said to me..
''it just across the road u will see it''
then i walk passing her front gate then i saw this beautiful beach across the road right in front of her house.
from outside i can see all the big bungalows the place for the rich where all facing the beach.
hmmm thats weird coz i don't remember seeing this spectacular view from the moment i first stepped my feet on the ground at this area.
then i walk slowly like im lost in the beauty of the view and totally forget bout all my friends i left behind partying.
then i go back to my main objective, to find the swimming pool.
suddenly i saw this huge swimming pool.
not really swimming pool because it was designed to be integrated with the beach area.
me myself dunno wat to name it.
new idea.
even i dunno wat to write to exactly describe the beauty of the place what i saw in my dream.
but that dream did engraved sumthing in my head.
an idea.
when try to think about it again..
what with me and the beach and the ocean, sand,wave,island and everything relating to that..
and what is that place and the meaning of the dream?
maybe to make it less complicated i have to accept the fact where dream is just a dream and not meant to be true and sometime meaningless.
but sometimes u know.
dream also do meant something that soon u will know when it happened.
and i dunno what it is..
and i hope i knew it all.

written by me who get confused
secret (8:35pm 30/9/2012)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

here i come.
let me rest on u.
ready or not i'd invaded this land.
and made it like my own.
and swim in it.
i get a lil bit dizzy i vomit on the boat.
as i stepped on the land i buried the vomit evidence.
with a hope somebody cud found it someday.
owh yucccks!
we sailed to another place.
local kids befriended with the nature like a town kids befriended with their gadgets.
the different is huge.
that wat taught them to be real human.
not spoilers.

my mum caught a closely related Nemo species with her bare hand.
awesome awesome.
it will be greater if i feel calm n easy.
but the worry kills part of the vacation.
last minute plan.
not bad after all.
the sickness i had there maybe i shud be more prepared.
so no more suffering.

written by nobody but me
secret (no specific time n date)


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